Thursday, July 24, 2008

Take this soul and make it sing

Oh, HELLO! Officially, I have failed at the blogging. I would make the excuse that I'm too busy, but please, how many crazy busy people still find time to put a few thoughts together on a daily (or more) basis. Perhaps I don't like writing. Maybe it's not that I don't LIKE writing, I just feel that I'm a poor writer. I'm perfectly able to write business proposals, contracts, white papers, um, emails(?) every single day, but make me put some personal thoughts and stories down and I freeze up.

So, that brings me to my real problem as of late... I'm now quite certain that I have some developing mental health issues. Anxiety is my problem de jour, perhaps with a bit of depression mixed in there. I'm planning on seeing our Family Practitioner soon to see if she can suggest a therapist and determine if meds are required, but I have to get up the nerve to make the appointment and set up child care. Often times I mention my issues in true piggyback fashion when I'm at lil' G's well child exams. I feel that I need to take the time to make my own appointment, so I don't have to concern myself with what my toddler is destroying. But hey, it might be a good opportunity for her to witness one of my anxiety attacks. At least I think they're anxiety attacks, I don't know, all I know is I don't feel 100% as of late, and I think it goes deeper than just missing J.J. He has been out of town a lot lately, and when he is I freak out about EVERYTHING. Every little noise in the house turns into somebody trying to break in and do harm to me and my little guy. When he's gone, sleep is extremely difficult, not that I get that much sleep when he is in town. Can you be an insomniac if, once you fall asleep, you could potentially sleep for days? That's just my problem, getting to sleep. I much prefer, apparently, to worry about every little thing in extreme detail. Only adding to my worry is my self-medication in the form of "just one glass of wine", which often turns into three or four. I don't think I have a drinking problem, but I think I'm drinking to cover up other problems. Is that the same thing? Again, that's why I need some professional help here.

My other concern is that, if I do need counseling, when in the fuck am I supposed to do it? As I've mentioned, with the marital unit gone 85% of the time, it's going to be very difficult to schedule any recurring appointments. I do have a couple of folks that could help with lil' G, but do I really want them to know that I've got to go to a counselor to take care of my potential craziness? I guess the first step is to see what can be done, what needs to be done. I really need to take this seriously, because I know it could potentially snowball into something big and out of control. I know it will be alright, I've just got to make this a priority.

No comments: