Tuesday, July 29, 2008

In the stillness of the evening

So I have an appointment set to discuss my issues with my Dr. I didn't really know what to say to the receptionist, so I just set up a physical. Perhaps I should have been more assertive, because my appointment isn't for two weeks. But, I also have lil' G's 15 month check-up this Friday, so maybe I'll piggy-back after all. I think I'll start with a request for a consult with a therapist, and then see how far she digs. I've been very antsy, anxious and moody lately, and this weekend JJ said that maybe I do need to talk to somebody, because he could tell something was up with me. As for meds, we'll see what they say. I'm open to it, but we'll see what the best course of action is. I'm pretty sure I'm somewhat of a hypochondriac, so of course I THINK I need something, but I will admit I'm not a medical professional. I'm just an enthusiast.

Lil' G is absolutely brightening my spirits, though. He's so much fun, every day I feel so lucky to be a mommy to such a wonderful, bright and cheery little soul. Sounds sappy, I know, but sometimes that's the way I roll. We're really thinking about having another, and I want to really badly, I think I just need to take care of myself a bit before I get knocked up again. I did find being pregnant very therapeutic, though. Something about not being able to indulge in all my vices that made me feel at ease. I really felt like I was fulfilling a greater purpose, which was exactly the case. Of course who knows what it will be like the second time around, but I have a feeling I'll still like being pregnant. Life will take the course it's meant to take, I suppose.

Work is extremely frustrating right now, luckily I have learned to compartmentalize. It's just not my main focus in life right now. It can't be. I feel guilty because everyone around me is a complete workaholic, they're attached to their laptops seemingly 24/7. My mom asked me if I miss traveling for work at all, to which I replied, "Not one little bit." The thought of being away from lil' G for more than a day makes me sad. I know I would manage just fine, but if it's not absolutely necessary, I'm not interested. JJ and I have discussed taking a little trip by ourselves, and while the thought is wonderful, I'm still plagued by the knowledge that I'd feel extremely guilty leaving him with somebody for a few days. I remember back to when my mom and dad would go on trips when I was younger and I'd miss them terribly and think horrible thoughts about them never coming back. (Yeah, I guess my anxiety issues stem WAY back!) Not that he'd think that at 14 months, but I know I'll always have that memory in the back of my mind when JJ and I take trips. Aaaah, and my family wonders why I don't go to mass anymore, Catholic guilt, you can take the girl out of the church, but it always finds a way to wiggle itself back into your psyche.

Well, JJ is away again. I thought perhaps writing a bit would help me wind down, but here it is 11 o'clock, and I'm completely wide awake. Thank goodness my little guy has not inherited this trait, because it's enough to have a sleep deprived and cranky mommy in the morning, I do NOT need a sleep deprived toddler! But I have dedicated myself to writing at least 3 entries a week here. Not for anyone else but myself. I've never been a good journal or diary keeper, but perhaps I can combine my love of mindless internet use and my need for thoughtless introspection. On that note, and upon reflection that this might be the most random of blog entries, I will say buenas noches.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Take this soul and make it sing

Oh, HELLO! Officially, I have failed at the blogging. I would make the excuse that I'm too busy, but please, how many crazy busy people still find time to put a few thoughts together on a daily (or more) basis. Perhaps I don't like writing. Maybe it's not that I don't LIKE writing, I just feel that I'm a poor writer. I'm perfectly able to write business proposals, contracts, white papers, um, emails(?) every single day, but make me put some personal thoughts and stories down and I freeze up.

So, that brings me to my real problem as of late... I'm now quite certain that I have some developing mental health issues. Anxiety is my problem de jour, perhaps with a bit of depression mixed in there. I'm planning on seeing our Family Practitioner soon to see if she can suggest a therapist and determine if meds are required, but I have to get up the nerve to make the appointment and set up child care. Often times I mention my issues in true piggyback fashion when I'm at lil' G's well child exams. I feel that I need to take the time to make my own appointment, so I don't have to concern myself with what my toddler is destroying. But hey, it might be a good opportunity for her to witness one of my anxiety attacks. At least I think they're anxiety attacks, I don't know, all I know is I don't feel 100% as of late, and I think it goes deeper than just missing J.J. He has been out of town a lot lately, and when he is I freak out about EVERYTHING. Every little noise in the house turns into somebody trying to break in and do harm to me and my little guy. When he's gone, sleep is extremely difficult, not that I get that much sleep when he is in town. Can you be an insomniac if, once you fall asleep, you could potentially sleep for days? That's just my problem, getting to sleep. I much prefer, apparently, to worry about every little thing in extreme detail. Only adding to my worry is my self-medication in the form of "just one glass of wine", which often turns into three or four. I don't think I have a drinking problem, but I think I'm drinking to cover up other problems. Is that the same thing? Again, that's why I need some professional help here.

My other concern is that, if I do need counseling, when in the fuck am I supposed to do it? As I've mentioned, with the marital unit gone 85% of the time, it's going to be very difficult to schedule any recurring appointments. I do have a couple of folks that could help with lil' G, but do I really want them to know that I've got to go to a counselor to take care of my potential craziness? I guess the first step is to see what can be done, what needs to be done. I really need to take this seriously, because I know it could potentially snowball into something big and out of control. I know it will be alright, I've just got to make this a priority.