Tuesday, July 29, 2008

In the stillness of the evening

So I have an appointment set to discuss my issues with my Dr. I didn't really know what to say to the receptionist, so I just set up a physical. Perhaps I should have been more assertive, because my appointment isn't for two weeks. But, I also have lil' G's 15 month check-up this Friday, so maybe I'll piggy-back after all. I think I'll start with a request for a consult with a therapist, and then see how far she digs. I've been very antsy, anxious and moody lately, and this weekend JJ said that maybe I do need to talk to somebody, because he could tell something was up with me. As for meds, we'll see what they say. I'm open to it, but we'll see what the best course of action is. I'm pretty sure I'm somewhat of a hypochondriac, so of course I THINK I need something, but I will admit I'm not a medical professional. I'm just an enthusiast.

Lil' G is absolutely brightening my spirits, though. He's so much fun, every day I feel so lucky to be a mommy to such a wonderful, bright and cheery little soul. Sounds sappy, I know, but sometimes that's the way I roll. We're really thinking about having another, and I want to really badly, I think I just need to take care of myself a bit before I get knocked up again. I did find being pregnant very therapeutic, though. Something about not being able to indulge in all my vices that made me feel at ease. I really felt like I was fulfilling a greater purpose, which was exactly the case. Of course who knows what it will be like the second time around, but I have a feeling I'll still like being pregnant. Life will take the course it's meant to take, I suppose.

Work is extremely frustrating right now, luckily I have learned to compartmentalize. It's just not my main focus in life right now. It can't be. I feel guilty because everyone around me is a complete workaholic, they're attached to their laptops seemingly 24/7. My mom asked me if I miss traveling for work at all, to which I replied, "Not one little bit." The thought of being away from lil' G for more than a day makes me sad. I know I would manage just fine, but if it's not absolutely necessary, I'm not interested. JJ and I have discussed taking a little trip by ourselves, and while the thought is wonderful, I'm still plagued by the knowledge that I'd feel extremely guilty leaving him with somebody for a few days. I remember back to when my mom and dad would go on trips when I was younger and I'd miss them terribly and think horrible thoughts about them never coming back. (Yeah, I guess my anxiety issues stem WAY back!) Not that he'd think that at 14 months, but I know I'll always have that memory in the back of my mind when JJ and I take trips. Aaaah, and my family wonders why I don't go to mass anymore, Catholic guilt, you can take the girl out of the church, but it always finds a way to wiggle itself back into your psyche.

Well, JJ is away again. I thought perhaps writing a bit would help me wind down, but here it is 11 o'clock, and I'm completely wide awake. Thank goodness my little guy has not inherited this trait, because it's enough to have a sleep deprived and cranky mommy in the morning, I do NOT need a sleep deprived toddler! But I have dedicated myself to writing at least 3 entries a week here. Not for anyone else but myself. I've never been a good journal or diary keeper, but perhaps I can combine my love of mindless internet use and my need for thoughtless introspection. On that note, and upon reflection that this might be the most random of blog entries, I will say buenas noches.

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